my polaris

One night while I was doing a part-time job, I have stumbled on my old college friend’s blog. I read some entries to keep me sane from talking to voicemails. One entry struck me so much. It was about finding the northern star Polaris in the bright skies of Manila. It was not really about contemplating a lot about his life. It was more of wondering about what the sky like is in his hometown. I got so inspired by how greatly he writes that I started writing another entry in this bland blog.



Where is my northern star? Where is my Polaris? Where am I? How can I currently locate myself in the vast space in the world? Long, very long silence… I do not know where I am currently. I do not know where I am heading. I cannot see my northern star. I cannot locate my Polaris. I need to find my Polaris to know where I currently am. In knowing where I am, I might start moving to a direction where I could satisfy my dreams, hopes, and wants as well as that of my parents and the people dear to me.

This fragment of thought, that struck me in a much unexpected way, pulled me out of my nearing insanity. I thought, if only, if only I had done more. If only I prevented myself from fleeting into the vastness of nothingness. I could easily look up and find my Polaris shinning like a beacon telling me where I am and what are the directions around me. Maybe this Polaris will point me to a direction where I can find peace, harmony, and the things I long to have. Maybe… My Polaris, if I find you help me.

MASELANG BAGAY ANG SUMUSO NG BURAT

MASELANG BAGAY ANG SUMUSO NG BURAT
ni Atty. Nicholas Pichay

I
Maselang bagay ang sumuso ng burat
Baka hindi mo magustuhan agad-agad
Wag kang basta mandadakma sa dilim
Kung ayaw mong masubo sa alanganin
Wag rin naman sanang magsisinungaling
Sa sariling nakakaalam ng himig
O gumamit ng sukatang panlipunan
Nang hindi iniisip ang pinagmulan
Maselang bagay ang sumuso ng burat
Hindi parang kaning madaling iluwa

II
Dapat tama ang pagkakahugis ng bibig
At walang tulis ang ngiping sumasabit
Bukas din dapat ang daang lalamunan
Para kung sumagad ay di mabulunan
Pag hindi pa siya mapaungol sa sarap
Baka naman ang pinapaltos mo’y sapsap
Maghanap na lang ng ibang maturingan
Hitik ng sirena an gating lipunan
Maselang bagay ang sumuso ng burat
Hindi dapat iniaalok sa lahat

III
At hindi tototo ang mga sabi-sabi
Na darang ang pag-ibig ng lakambini
Kung ang hamak na pastol na katulad ko
Ay nakatagpo ng gwapong binatilyo
Habang naglalakad sa may tabing ilog
Kinudlit niya ang aking libog
Matapos ang mainit na espadahan
Nagsumpa ang wagas sa lilim ng buwan
Maselang bagay ang sumuso ng burat
At langit ang makahanap ng katapat

IV
Mag-iiwan sana ng munting habilin
Payo lang naman, huwag sanang dibdibin
Ang marubdob at itim na paninira
Gawa ng santo-santong paniniwala
Sapagkat ang sukatan ng pagkatao
Wala sa kulay, dunong o astang pabo
Nasa pagkabusilak, pagkadakila
Ng tunay na pagmamahal ng kapwa

Maselang bagay ang sumuso ng burat
Iyan ang kailangang malaman ng lahat
Walang dahilang itago’t pandirihan
Bumangon sa dilim aking kaibigan

unang subok

i attempted to write in a language i am not that really familiar of. here is the product of it:


Martir

May mga bagay minsan na di mo matanto.
Mga bagay na nag-uudyok na gumawa ng kuro-kuro.
Pero minsa’y kuro-kuro ang may dahilan,
Sa pag-pagal ng pusong di napigilan.

Ang tao nga naman pag hindi napigilan,
Hahamukin lahat pati ang kawalan.
Mag-iisip ng dahilan para lang matanto,
Kung ano ang hinahanap ng puso.

Puro sakit man ang nakikinita,
Ipipilit ng ipipilit hanggang tumihaya.
Puro sakit man ang nadaanan,
Di pa din papipigil sa nararamdaman.

Martir man kung ituring ng karamihan,
Pagmamahal lang ang inaasam.
Di pa din padadaig,
Sa nararamdamang pag-ibig.

i support RH bill

i am for women's welfare. i am for RH bill

silver year, silver lining?

i will turn twenty-five in less than 2 months. maybe that is the reason why i am very agitated this past few weeks. i dunno what will happen to me after i turn 25. i dunno what to feel. people in this age are usually professionals now and already deciding or starting a career that they dreamed of. i, on the other hand is different. i am still an undergraduate who is not yet due to finish this term. i have been distracted with a part time job that i love and hate at the same time. the job is easy. all you have to do is be patient for 5 hours and listen to japs bicker about work, partners, and/or school work (with thick Japanese accent). i envy and pity these japanese. envied them because they are now professionals. pity them because they are now caught in a rat race called "employee life".

as much as i want to curse my self for not being diligent enough to pass thru university, i can't. it was me who did everything. it was me who decided everything. being bitter about it is not helpful. you may see it as rationalizing or as my personality psychology professor puts it: intellectualizing, i do not entirely regret the fact that i am like this. i may not be a professional yet but i am independent, financially and emotionally. i may not be sitting in an office with colleagues. i may not be by the water cooler in the pantry to whine about how overworked i am. i may not be what my parents wanted me to be. but i think i am a better person. i live the way i see how to live. this lifestyle may not be acceptable to some but i am contented. i think maybe the contentment that i feel is the barrier that prevents me to pursue my dreams.

i gave up on some of my ambitions a couple of years ago when life started to be harsh. i was confronted with harsh situations that led me to abandon some dreams that are reachable before but unreachable now. unreached ambitions crashed me inside that i became pessimistic. thru this, as a normal human being, i adapted to my harsh environment and became contented with what i currently am and what i currently have.

i mewl over the fact that i am 25 and i am already contented. i should be more ambitious as what other 20 something people are doing. i think i should start rebuilding new dreams and ambitions that are rooted with the things that i learned. my wish for my up coming 25th year is that i hope the odds will side with me and that life will be less harsh!

the year is almost over. looking back, i don't really see something extraordinary. this year i think is the first year that nothing significant really happened. i will call this my unmemorable year. i hope next year will be grand!

us being single and mapili

the past few days i have been reading blogs about relationships, sexcapades, and rantings about us (gays as ever) always ends up being single. reading more about rantings on being single, its perks, its downsides, and our attitude towards it made me muse over things. are we really to blame? are we the reasons why we feel lonely? or was it destiny (as if i believe in such) that made us like this?

i have been in the dating circle since i started having sex and out of it (sometimes) when i am in a relationship. i obligingly placed my self in the "singles market" in hopes for "the one", a serious relationship, companionship, or just no bullshit awesome sex. usually it ends up with the last choice - the search for an awesome sex. we just want the sexual itch to be given attention to and dealt with. after my share of sexcapades, i realized one thing: why is it easy for us to look for people to address our sexual itch with than to look for "the one"? why is it we lower our standards for the itch to be attended to? why do we set our standards so high for "the one"? are we really that mapili when it comes to our search for partner in life?

we rant about being lonely but we keep on pushing people away. we push them away because we feel that the person is below the standards we set for "the one" and later end up sobbing because we feel lonely again. as a close friend put it: "tayo kase parang gago din minsan. hanap tayo ng hanap ng taong magmamahal sa atin pero pag may dumating sisipain palabas kasi di papasa sa standards natin, kse may nakita tayong mali sa kanya, kse iniisip natin na kung di papasa sa standards di na tayo mamahalin or di na natin kayang mahalin. di man lang nating binigyan ng pagkakataon ang sarili natin na mahalin ng taong to. back out na tayo agad kse may kapintasang nakita. sa kakahanap natin ng pag-ibig using the standards that we have, ayun mr. lonely ang drama ng mga hitad. after nun, balik nanaman sa search for a good shag for us to feel better." after recalling that, i paused for a while looked back and nodded not in agreement but in disappointment. are we really like that?