the year is almost over. looking back, i don't really see something extraordinary. this year i think is the first year that nothing significant really happened. i will call this my unmemorable year. i hope next year will be grand!

us being single and mapili

the past few days i have been reading blogs about relationships, sexcapades, and rantings about us (gays as ever) always ends up being single. reading more about rantings on being single, its perks, its downsides, and our attitude towards it made me muse over things. are we really to blame? are we the reasons why we feel lonely? or was it destiny (as if i believe in such) that made us like this?

i have been in the dating circle since i started having sex and out of it (sometimes) when i am in a relationship. i obligingly placed my self in the "singles market" in hopes for "the one", a serious relationship, companionship, or just no bullshit awesome sex. usually it ends up with the last choice - the search for an awesome sex. we just want the sexual itch to be given attention to and dealt with. after my share of sexcapades, i realized one thing: why is it easy for us to look for people to address our sexual itch with than to look for "the one"? why is it we lower our standards for the itch to be attended to? why do we set our standards so high for "the one"? are we really that mapili when it comes to our search for partner in life?

we rant about being lonely but we keep on pushing people away. we push them away because we feel that the person is below the standards we set for "the one" and later end up sobbing because we feel lonely again. as a close friend put it: "tayo kase parang gago din minsan. hanap tayo ng hanap ng taong magmamahal sa atin pero pag may dumating sisipain palabas kasi di papasa sa standards natin, kse may nakita tayong mali sa kanya, kse iniisip natin na kung di papasa sa standards di na tayo mamahalin or di na natin kayang mahalin. di man lang nating binigyan ng pagkakataon ang sarili natin na mahalin ng taong to. back out na tayo agad kse may kapintasang nakita. sa kakahanap natin ng pag-ibig using the standards that we have, ayun mr. lonely ang drama ng mga hitad. after nun, balik nanaman sa search for a good shag for us to feel better." after recalling that, i paused for a while looked back and nodded not in agreement but in disappointment. are we really like that?

Demanding that gays feel but not fulfill is not Christian, it is sadistic.” - corado de quiros

[Conrado de Quiros on sex outside marriage, and gay love. As usual with de Quiros -- beautiful, beautiful article. Here's an excerpt.]

“The idea of a couple, married or not, having sex in order to procreate is hilarious. It conjures the image of them hard at it (no pun intended for the male partner), enduring the ordeal, determined only like soldiers pinned down in trenches to persevere out of a sense of duty and finally to break through in one great rush. What a perverse and joyless act that is. I doubt any Christian, short of an ascetic, will fill the bill.

“Whatever happened to love? Whatever happened to ecstasy? Whatever happened to two people, straight or gay, bonded by feelings that cannot be expressed by words, needing to express themselves to each other by flinging themselves into each other�s arms and surrendering themselves into a consummation devoutly to be wished? Surely that is part of the magic of life?

“Which brings me to the argument that the Church is not proscribing against gays, it is merely proscribing against gays acting as gays, or that it is not demanding that gays do not get attracted to other gays, it is merely demanding that gays do not act on it. I don�t know about you but I found Ang Lee�s �Brokeback Mountain� to be an honest-to-goodness love story, ranking up there with �When Harry Met Sally� and �Sleepless in Seattle.� Gays do fall in love too, and what I figure is unnatural is to compel them on the ground that it is perverse or that they cannot procreate to abort it. There is nothing more natural than love in whatever form it takes. Sex is not overrated, procreation is. Demanding that gays feel but not fulfill is not Christian, it is sadistic.”

to the previous one

to the one i have loved....

love the way you lie part two
rihanna featuring eminem

[Rihanna]
On the first page of our story
the future seemed so bright
then this thing turned out so evil
I don't know why I'm still surprised
even angels have their wicked schemes
and you take that to new extremes
but you'll always be my hero
even though you've lost your mind

[Chorus]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
but that's all right because I like the way it hurts
just gonna stand there and hear me cry
but that's all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Ohhh, I love the way you lie

[Rihanna]
Now there's gravel in our voices
glass is shattered from the fight
in this tug of war, you'll always win
even when I'm right
'cause you feed me fables from your hand
with violent words and empty threats
and it's sick that all these battles
are what keeps me satisfied

[Chorus]

[Rihanna]
So maybe I'm a masochist
I try to run but I don't wanna ever leave
til the walls are goin' up
in smoke with all our memories

[Eminem]
This morning, you wake, a sunray hits your face
smeared makeup as we lay in the wake of destruction
hush baby, speak softly, tell me I'll be sorry
that you pushed me into the coffee table last night
so I can push you off me
try and touch me so I can scream at you not to touch me
run out the room and I'll follow you like a lost puppy
baby, without you, I'm nothing, I'm so lost, hug me
then tell me how ugly I am, but that you'll always love me
then after that, shove me, in the aftermath of the
destructive path that we're on, two psychopaths but we
know that no matter how many knives we put in each other's backs
that we'll have each other's backs, 'cause we're that lucky
together, we move mountains, let's not make mountains out of molehills,
you hit me twice, yeah, but who's countin'?
I may have hit you three times, I'm startin' to lose count
but together, we'll live forever, we found the youth fountain
our love is crazy, we're nuts, but I refused counsellin'
this house is too huge, if you move out I'll burn all two thousand
square feet of it to the ground, ain't shit you can do about it
with you I'm in my f-ckin' mind, without you, I'm out it

Who am I and who am I supposed to be?

April 9, 1986, in the remote sugarcane farming town of President Roxas in the province of Capiz, another little boy was born. The parents, Edgar Sr. and Gretel were ecstatic because another angel was added to their budding family. The boy was a little overdue, quite overweight, had the same complexion as his father, and the face of his mother.

Three years after, the little boy, with eagerness, which was standing behind his mother, was feeling a mix of excitement and hesitation. He is now facing his first big leap to the real world - preschool. He faced the challenges in school alone for his parents need to work to provide the needs of their now big family. The little boy is now having a blast with his 5 more siblings who included 2 older brothers, one older sister, one little brother, and the latest addition to their family, his youngest sister. Preschool for him was just play and friends. It is there that he learned his first real prayers, learned to obey rules, and share his toys with people he is not related to by blood or kin. Six years was spent in that catholic school. It is where he started to create the self that highly affected his being now. The six years was full of catholic beliefs, gaining friends, loosing friends, learning new skills, showcasing talents, experiencing new things that a little kid could ever experience given the fact that he grew up in a rural catholic environment, and in some way, frustrations. These were his foundations.
After the years he spent in the catholic school, he had to be transferred to a local district elementary school not because his parents could no longer pay but because of the controversies in the honor roll in his class. His mother, a teacher, was furious after asking him what his class standing was. It was a complete mess. His grades were up by 2 to 3 points but he dropped from ranking third to eighth. How in the hell that happened? His mother asked. It was the first time his mother went to the school to ask about her son’s scholastic standing and the reason why her son dropped from the upper rank down. It was then decided that I should transfer for the competition in the school was not intelligence but wealth.

The first year in the public school was a little stressful for the boy; he had to leave his friends that have been with him for six years and start the process of gaining and loosing friends again. Three-quarters of the class was all alien to him. The remaining quarter was his schoolmates in the catholic school who also transferred due to the same reasons. It was a rollercoaster for him, expectations was set so high that he almost choked to it. But he got by for three years, graduating as the third honors with hopes high and expectations were raised.

Before high school, he was anxious, sad, happy, and excited when he learned that he got accepted in a prestigious public high school in the city which was about an hour away from his modest but eerie municipality. He was the only one who went there and most of his friends were left behind enrolled in a semi-private school in our community where all his family graduated. He felt a little proud because he was the first in the family to be accepted in such a prestigious school. Another perk is that he had experienced how it was to live with urbanity, independence, and confidence that he if he could survive this, he will survive everything. His high school was a combination of work and play. He went to school every day learning anything from basic economics to brain exhausting analytical chemistry. Living with his sister and a cousin, he learned a lot of responsibilities where some of which he failed. He was young, curious, explorative, and adventure seeking. He danced as a past time, hung out with friends to keep him sane, and of course coped with academic pressure by experimenting with smoking and alcohol. The academic pressure was so high that he is constantly out every weekend just to forget about it even just for a short period of time.

The way he coped with pressure took a toll on his academic life, after 2 years of brain breaking years as a special science high school student at the same time a dancer and a health nut. His grades suffered that the school was left with no choice but to remove him in the program and reenrolled as a regular student in his junior and senior year. This removal in the program made a big change in his life. He started to feel as if high school was very easy. He got bored with his classes because there were no novel things to learn. The lectures were a repeat of what he learned in 2 years. Instead of mathematics, he concentrated in dancing, instead of mathematics and physics, he dealt with school politics. He was thinking that these were more exciting than academics. He learned a lot of new things than the complete repetition of what he learned in his first two years in high school. He got bored, so he turned to activities that will surely give him novel and exciting things.

Then college came, again he had the opportunity to be accepted in the premiere state university where he was again caught off guard with the immensity of work and catching up to do because of his slacked off behavior in his last two years in high school. He then again coped with cigarettes and alcohol. Because he is now residing near the city, which is a more metropolitan city he used to live in, he was back again to his partying days and hang out time with his new found friends. The work load almost tossed him on the edge and added to the dismay of his very loving parents. He started to hate them thinking they do not understand the added pressure they have given. They encouraged me to enroll in this university with an expectation to not only graduate on time but to but graduate with honors. Who in the right mind would entail their son such a humungous responsibility? He was even encouraged to the point of pushed to try and enroll in a prestigious law school. UP law school perhaps? His mother added. As a typical adolescent, he rebelled with ardor. He reasoned with passion. All he wanted to do was look and experience novel things that will fuel his curiosity that he thinks will make him happy.

It was then decided by his parents that he need some time off the pressures of university and to recuperate from his now chronic gastritis that was due to his mismanagement of time and toxic lifestyle. Due to frustration and anger, after recuperating, he then turned to alcohol as a respite. After two months of self pity and trying to look for people to blame, he realized it was not their fault, it was his. Because of the constant fight with his mother and his father still being apathetic, he decided to exile himself and went away. The exile gave him a chance to look back and assess his life. There he learned independence in a new level. Pride made him decide to be independent. He looked for work, earned a living and decided that this lifestyle gives him the constant novelty he was looking for. He started to work as a writer in a local publication in Palawan but later realized that he is being abused, he is being paid less than the minimum but forced himself to work more than the usual. That took a toll on his health that made him look for a more conventional but less novel work, which is tutorial. He rekindled with his old passion, being a health nut and swimming. This affected his smoking and alcohol intake.

After a year, he went back to the university and coped easily. The first semester was full of focus and determination. He was full of passion; he attended classes studiously, but ended up feeling upset because he didn’t get high grades. That made him think that no matter how he pushed himself to excel academically, he will end up being mediocre. Regardless of how he pushed himself, he got mediocre grades. Damn, that really disappointed him and his parents. Due to this, he left home to become independent again. Not only being physically independent but also financially. He applied for work, got accepted and worked his ass almost every day to make ends meet. This gave him the novelty he was looking for. He could now pay his tuition on his own and earn the money for his allowance. The excitement he was looking for, but due to lack of sense of control, he struggled financially. He mismanaged his expenses that put him to debt. He had no choice but to look for a second job to pay for what he owed for. After three months of back breaking, tonsil erupting, and sleepless night’s work, he was no longer indebted. After that, he learned to manage his finances quite okay but sometimes has little slips because he thinks he deserves a little money for himself.

Still hoping to manage life with more control on his own, I bet there will be more ups and downs. But there is one thing he learned from his life that is, no matter how hard he fall, he would help himself to get up and start all over again.

adulthood

adulthood. the word that i am so fearful to hear and talk about. it usually comes with responsibility and search for meaning. am i really ready for this? i don't think so...

life being a bitch and positivity

i have been trying to think positively these past few weeks thinking that this positivity coupled with hard work will ease out the inauspicious things that is currently attacking me. i was so proud of myself because despite the hardships and the troubles that constantly confront me, i still make sure that i have a positive outlook in life.

these positivity is sometimes not enough to have the things that you hope for. it should always be coupled with hard work. besides positivity should not be tantamount to being expectant. but there are circumstances sometimes that will test your outlook. fate has his way of transposing your life to a limbo.



however positive you are, life will always be a bitch. pushing you to the edge even to the verge of destruction. regardless of how you focus your energy in positivity, negativity will strike back. loosening and weakening the very foundation of your principles to the point of shattering your own very soul. it is pretty ironic that positivism and hard work is always coupled with negativity.

maybe, my positivity on things is not enough to negate negativity. maybe perhaps, i need every human being's positivity. this way i am not the only one negating it. there will be more people. maybe i should start something that will transcend and spread the positivity in me to other people. maybe that way, life will no longer be a bitch.

there will always be hope...
there will always be positivity...

think again

A Japanese friend arrived last Sunday. He is young so i was thinking that he is some kind of a risk taker. As a practice, me and my other house mates usually eat after 4 hours of agonizing work every night. so, we decided that my Japanese friend should try the food that we eat after work.

i am located in the boondocks of Miag-ao, so the only stores open at the wee hours of the morning are two bakeshops and two burger joints. we decided to have burgers. we chose burger machine because we are kind of addicted to their spicy barbecue sauce and it is kind of cheap - two jumbo burgers for Php35 (beat that). Atsu - the Japanese friend was appalled by how cheap and tasty it was. so he devoured everything in no time. with laughs, music, and good conversation, the night was so surreal.

came morning, emerald, my house mate woke me up looking so concerned and panicky. so i jerked out of bed assuming what the problem might be. then poof! she dropped the bomb. Atsu was suffering from diarrhea. the damn burger must have caused it. i am pretty sure that it was not the food that we eat in the house nor the water we drink. we buy purified water because i, myself is kind of sensitive to water. the good memories of last night's surreal moment were pushed out of the picture. my Japanese visitor is suffering from diarrhea.

Talk about cheap good tasting Filipino food, it ended up as a disappointment, a big one. i could've thought that it might end up like this. if you plan to introduce these burger joints to your foreign friends, THINK AGAIN!

healthy yet unhealthy

i have been trying to live a healthy life for about 2 months now. i have lessen my smoking to at most 10 sticks a day, i tried skim boarding, i do a little exercise in my room, i eat healthy and on time, and makes sure i sleep well. it is kind of hard but i keep on pushing myself. i balance all of these plus academic load, an online tutoring job, and extra curricular activities.

after doing all of these stuff, my body suddenly felt strange. it feels as if it is allergic to healthy living. i feel dizzy at times, lousy, sleepy at all times, and heavy. maybe this healthy lifestyle is killing me. my body is so used to the harmful substances it gets from smoking, drinking, to much coffee, and sleep deprivation. i can't believe that choosing a healthy lifestyle is this difficult. no wonder people opt to be unhealthy. being unhealthy is easy, fun, and with no restrictions.

i am now sick, i dunno if this is the stress that is causing it or the aftermath of sudden change in lifestyle. i have a terrible cough, experiencing chills from time to time, and an on and off fever. i am not sure if this is caused by a serious ailment ( gawd forbid) and or my body is saying yes, you are still healthy, your immune system works just fine.

i guess i am off to the school's infirmary tomorrow.

annoying morning: does fish makes sense?

i have this general education class every Mondays and Thursdays at 8:30 AM. i am an evening person so, i stay up late most of the time. waking at 7:30 AM to attend that class is a big effort for me.

yesterday, after a week of absence in that class, i collected every energy i have left and any motivation that is present and attended the class. i arrived 10 minutes late because it took me 15 minutes to get there. i was so afraid that i will be late. it turned out the professor was even more late than i am. he arrived 30 minutes after. i was so freaking pissed because i was expecting a very good lecture from him. it turned out to be a complete utter disappointment. the lecture was damn boring. so boring that watching and counting ants is way interesting compared to the lecture.

adding more insult to injury, he was blabbering a lot on social and moral obligations, his antics about Christianity, and the poverty in the third-world country that he is in. that class is supposed to be an appreciation course for fisheries. it is called aquatic science for Pete's sake! i was so excruciatingly waiting for the time to pass. the moron even extended his class for a whole 15 minutes. the jerk has the guts to extend his lecture time!

after the painstaking time spent in that room, i sprinted away blabbering about how a waste of time that class is and cursing about me being late for my next class. only to find out i don't have a class. darn it! a classmate in another class even told me there is a reading that i need to work on. i patiently walked my way to the photocopier to have the reading copied when suddenly the irritating guard on duty asked me where my ID was, i was so pissed off that i walked out and shouted: "mainit ang ulo ko manong, 'wag mo ng dagdagan!". the guard was so persistent that he even followed me to the copier and asked me where my ID was. i was so close in bursting to a day of anguish! i can't get the point of having you jot down your name in the freaking log book and tell the reason why you don't have your ID with you! as if they care. he even rudely made comments about me. the guts!

what a day, i felt somewhat relieved after having a great time with my last class. then another bomb dropped, i totally forgot that i will have an exam tomorrow! bugger, i don't have anything to study on. i have work, and i have tons f things to study, my eyes are killing me, and i am still pissed with the damn aquatic science professor! whoever hired that moron should be fired! talk about academic excellence! mediocrity is so the standards in my university now.

enough! i am hitting the sack!
still pissed off!

the hotness inside out

The summer heat woke me in the middle of my late afternoon nap. I usually take a late afternoon nap because it is a little less humid time to do so. But it turned out, it was like the hottest time to nap in this god-forsaken place. I think the attempt to provide little rain to this place made it more freaking humid.

I was totally cranky after that because i hate it when my somber sleep gets interrupted. In the attempt to ease the crankiness, i logged in to the usual chat site. Chatting with friends draws out the crankiness in me. Unfortunately, the people in the room added hotness to the weather. It is humidly hot and people are like kittens in heat. And that includes me. Pun intended.

I met this kid on the same chat site and he makes my knees wobble. I was hoping he could tone down the crankiness in me. Waaaahhh!!! the kid didn't fail me. The crankiness is gone but the heat is doubled. I was about to prey on the kid, when he suddenly flashed the cutest smile i ever seen. Why on earth kids like him could charm you simply by flashing their pearly whites? It was like ice poured on my hard on. I need ice, not just on the hard on but all over me. But it will only provide temporary relief, I need a more long-term one.

I need respite from this freaking heat, may it be the weather or the people around. I need at least time to cool off. A longer time to cool off. I hate being cranky and i hate sweating like a pig. Rainy season come now, i think it is time for you now!

Rain. Rain. Rain. I need you now!

late night barriotic music

1:27 AM

I am getting ready to sleep when i heard this loud banging of speakers form afar. I hear a lot music, the kind you usually here in barrio fiestas. It is irritating me. Why do they have to play it so loudly and with a lot of thumping sound? They even remix the songs in an attempt to make it hip. They are failing miserably.

Who ever invented these kinds of music should be mutilated and crucified. For Pete's sake, they say that music is very subjective, screw them. What they are playing are all good music three to four years ago.

I am a party animal so i know what is not hip music and what is jologs or what they call now as jejemon. Dear gawd! Could they at least turn it down a little? It is the freaking wee hours in the morning and you've got to hear it. Rural folks usually sleeps early. I chose to live here because i think it will be quieter here compared to the traffic sounds of the metro.

But i think i have to deal with these rurality and its downside (loud thumping barriotic music) form time to time. Darn it! now i know one of the reasons why urbaanistas won't stay too long in the suburbs or worse the rurals. They hate dealing with these little intrusions on their urban lifestyle....

i hope the thumping noises would end soon